Hayat

Here I am again, thinking—what exactly is life?
Sometimes I wonder, why am I even living?
Is there something special I’m meant to do, and that’s why I’m here?
Or did Allah send me just to witness the cruelty of this world?
And once I’ve seen enough, He’ll call me back—either to Jannah or Jahannam.
Honestly, I’m still unsure.

I believe I’m a good daughter and sister.
But if you ask my parents or my sisters, they might have a very different opinion.
To them, I’m moody—so unpredictable they can’t tell when I’ll smile, cry, or get angry.
But I believe emotions make us human.
Otherwise, why would Allah bless us with a brain to think, a mouth to express, and eyes to observe?

I like expressing my emotions in the moment, especially in family matters.
There’s no burden that way.
In other situations, I choose silence—because I know if I speak, I’ll be judged, criticised, or misunderstood.
Sometimes, it's just not worth sharing.

Let me introduce myself properly—my name is Haya, meaning shyness.
If I’m being honest, I don’t really resemble my name... or maybe I do.
It’s complicated.

I’m the youngest daughter in my family.
I have two elder sisters.
They act like elders only when it's time to give opinions; otherwise, they’re quite private and only talk when they need something from me.

My mother is the balancing force in our home—for all of us, including my father.
I used to think my parents were in love.
But as I grew up, I realised they’re not.
They’re just used to each other now.
After 25+ years of marriage, that’s what it has become.
From my mother’s side, I still see glimpses of love.
But from my father’s side, it feels like a duty—something he continues for the sake of society or because of us.

That’s one reason I’m strongly against marriage.
The first time I felt this way was after witnessing my parents fight.
Whenever marriage is discussed at home, I always say I don’t believe in it—because of you two.
Only in this topic do my elder sister and I agree.

My eldest sister is married. She chose her own partner, and the family agreed.
My second sister, like me, doesn’t want to get married.
She’s 26, so her marriage talks happen often.
I’m 23, so I’m still “safe” from that—at least for now.

I often think about my mother.
She knows her husband doesn’t value her the way she deserves, yet she still wants us to get married.
How?
I’ve asked her this.
She says, “Not all men are like your father. Marriage is about spending your life with someone you choose. I won’t be with you forever, so choose wisely like your elder sister.”

When I think about marriage, a blank page comes to mind.
Maybe Allah wants me to write whatever I want on that page.
Or maybe He left it blank so I don’t think about it at all.

I’m a very caring person for my loved ones.
But with others, I’m cold and rude—and I like being this way.
That’s probably why I don’t gel well with random people.
In these 23 years, I’ve only had two close friends—both school friends, and luckily, we joined the same company.

My life right now is just home to office, and office to home.
I love the idea of travelling—but I haven’t been anywhere special yet.
My dream is to earn lots of money for my family… and then travel the world alone.
Just me, one bag, and my loneliness.
Nothing else.
Because I enjoy my own company.

My friends say I live in an imaginary world more than the real one.
I tell them: “There’s nothing to see in this world. People aren’t worth looking at. I’ll come out of my imagination the day I find something real.”

I’m a very hardworking employee.
And like they say in the corporate world:
“If you work hard, you don’t get promoted—you just get more work.”
After spending two years in this company, I can relate.
My workload has increased—but not my position.

I often wonder, what exactly am I doing with my career?
But since I haven’t found a better opportunity yet, I just go with the flow.
I believe Allah must be planning something beautiful for me.
Something special that will change everything.

Until then, all I have is faith.
And in this cruel world, faith is the only power keeping me alive.